The title was actually a reader question I received over the weekend, and ironically I had a similar question for myself today.
I just got back from a "Girl's Weekend" with my mom and 2 aunts to the Lake of the Ozarks. This is an annual trip for all the girls in our family (though my girl cousins usually come too). The weekend is always fun with great stories, lots of laughing, plenty of drinking and way too much shopping. I've been looking forward to this trip for months and as always, it did not disappoint.
However, I am an introvert and after 4 straight days of non-stop socializing I was exhausted after the trip. I missed The Boyfriend (TB), though, and decided to head to his house as soon as we returned home from the lake. When I arrived at his house his whole family was there for Sunday Dinner (i.e. more socializing = even more exhausted).
Luckily, I'd planned ahead this year and had already scheduled Monday as a vacation day. I had planned on camping out in TB's basement, catching up on my TiVo, reading gossip magazines, and cuddling with my dogs....and most importantly....no socializing of any kind (not even Twitter)!
TB is an extrovert and works alone all day. He copes by calling me 5, 6, or 7 times during the day to check in and say hi. Usually, I can deal with these distractions pretty well, but today I had no energy to spare. I tried to explain to him twice that my Introvert energy was drained and I needed some "Bre time" and that I'd be ready to chat when he got off of work.
He still didn't get it and called 4 more times before the end of his work day. I was a bit frustrated, but tried to remain calm. We had to run a few errands and things just kept on going wrong all afternoon. Finally, when I was sorting out a problem he kept talking (and talking and talking...and I couldn't think) and I snapped: "Can you just not talk right now!!!!?????"
That DID NOT go over well. As soon as the words came out I realized what I'd done. I felt awful and apologized but the damage was done. I got what I wanted- complete and total silence the whole way home.
He said he didn't understand how I can say I missed him while I was gone, but not want to talk when I get back. I guess the reality is I just wanted to "be" with him when I got home- hang out in the same room...not necessarily talk the whole time. He doesn't understand how there is value in that.
I know I overreacted and should not have been so mean in my wording, but I still feel like I had already explained my needs earlier in the day. Had TB observed my wishes and just given me time to recharge I probably wouldn't have been so tense when things went wrong all afternoon.
So, for all you introverts out there, how do you explain to your significant other that you need alone time without hurting his/her feelings?
Monday, November 3, 2008
I'm an Introvert, He's an Extrovert: Can This Relationship Work?
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5 comments:
Hey awesome blog! There is actually this site that connects Myer Briggs Type Indicate ( MBTI ) users with other users called Personality Cafe
Just wanna help you guys discover yourself a little more. :)
I am a strong I (INTJ overall) and my partner is an E. I told her when she moved in , after the first week, that I was going to need private space, but the message didn't get through. I have since made a room in my house a 'den' or study and established that when I am in here, AND the door is closed, that I need time alone. Although, this also didn't get through and I had to start LOCKING the door. ;) Extroverts just don't understand 'me' time. :D
Feelings were still bruised, but now she sees the value, since she has seen me without 'down' time and with down time, and she knows that I'm just recharging my batteries.
Interesting. I'm an ENTP as you know, and I've had this problem with my ISTJ husband for many years. After 20 years of trying to change, compromise, give in, demand change, and every other trial and error, we have come to an agreement that neither one of us is going to change.
I give him space to be in his cave, and he gives me freedom and trust. I have learned to get the interaction I need from other people and not expect more from him than what he can give...and appreciate it when he does. It works out pretty well...(most of the time.) :-)
I am showing this post to my gf, she is an introvert, I am an extrovert and we have been through and sometimes still go through exactly what you describe in your post. It was so refreshing to know that we arent the only ones!!
I'm a female INTJ married to ESFP for 20 years. I feel guilty asking for time alone even though I know I need it (having an ENTJ child doesn't help!), so often I won't insist on my downtime even when I should.
Although my husband doesn't anticipate the time alone for me, after all these years he recognizes the symptoms when I've had too much. He knows the solution is to throw me in my cave and bolt the door. I'll come out when I'm better :)
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