Conflict is not a 4-letter word!

Ahhh- another day of pet peeves for me.  I love a spirited debate, and the thing that annoys me most is when someone cannot engage in a response and instead avoids discussion.  I would much rather engage in a debate with someone who refuses to budge on any points than someone who isn't even capable of a discussion.

Last time I checked, "conflict" is not a 4-letter word, but unfortunately it seems that is how most people perceive a difference of opinion.  Why is it that when someone expresses an opposing fact, interest, or idea the result is often misplaced anger?

The fact is that a healthy debate that is conducted with respectful communication, attempt to understand opposing viewpoints, and an open mind is extremely beneficial.  Discussions and debate create more thoroughly considered ideas.  Someone with a different perspective can help you consider consequences that you haven't previously imagined.  Healthy conflict can help individuals both learn and teach others.  It creates more diverse decisions.  

With regard to personality type, many people mistakenly believe that they should only be in a relationship or choose team members who share their personality type.  While it is possible there would be less preference-based hurdles to overcome, that does not mean that is the "best" option.  Someone with a shadow personality type (opposite) can help reveal blind spots and with some effort, can help you grow as an individual.

Who wants to be surrounded by yes people?  Life would be so boring if no one countered my opinion.  I am thankful for others who challenge my beliefs and assumptions.  I may not change my opinion, but I will certainly gain perspective and understanding from someone who can state their point with facts.

The difference between healthy debate and unhealthy conflict is the introduction of emotion.  Name-calling, put-downs, insults, and aggressive words will do nothing but halt a potentially positive learning experience.

In the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), there are 5 distinct approaches to conflict.  Accommodating, Avoiding, Compromising, Competing, and Collaborating.  Personally, I am typically Competing first and then Collaborating second.  There is no right or wrong conflict mode depending on the situation.  While Competing is a Win-Lose approach, and Avoiding is a Lose-Lose approach, there can be situations where those modes are necessary.  

Knowing your natural conflict mode can help you learn to take a more positive approach to conflict situations.  As an example, as someone who prefers competing, I have to remember that a Win-Win approach is typically the most beneficial for all involved so I should adapt to a more collaborative approach. 

In my opinion, I don't think there is any more damaging approach to conflict than avoiding.  Constantly avoiding conflict leads to unresolved issues, unexpressed beliefs, and losing opportunity to satisfy wants/needs.  One should strive for balance in all things and that includes surrounding yourself with people who challenge you to learn and grow as an individual.  You do both yourself and everyone involved a disservice by refusing to engage in a discussion.

When making important life decisions, I always run my thoughts/plans by my boyfriend and family.  I love the different perspectives that my ISTJ, ENFP, INFP, and ENTP family members help me recognize.  Those are the people I rely on to make sure I haven't surrounded my self with yes people.  

Who do you rely on in your life to challenge you?  Is he/she a shadow of your personality type?